Suicide survivor Donna Thistlethwaite: The day I fell from Brisbane's Story Bridge
By a miracle she survived the fall and lived relatively unscathed physically from her attempt.
The thing is around 33 years ago I stood on the sidewalk of the
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| Looking from under the south-side of the Story Bridge |
Story Bridge contemplating doing the same thing.
Life had painted me into a dark corner that I could see was only going to get darker for me, so over those last weeks I was working out a way to kill myself without hurting my family too much in the aftermath of my death ... as if that where even possible.
I knew then that a lot of people took their own lives from jumping from this bridge and I had never heard of anyone surviving the jump from this bridge, so I knew once you jumped over the railing that your life was well and truly out of your hands, and it was going to be game over.
I probably stood looking over the railing for a good 15 minutes thinking it all over as to whether I should do it now or come back and do it the next day after taking care of loose ends like suicide notes to my family and such.
But how do you explain to loved ones without writing a novel, or two, as to why you did it, and how it's nothing personal, it's just that I don't want to play the "game of life" anymore?
And one thing I REALLY hate is when news stories talk about "mental illness" when it comes to people attempting, or taking their own life, like deciding to try and talk yourself into being happy and content with living a f#cked up life in a f#cked world is completely the SANE choice, by default.
The only reason I didn't jump off the bridge was I knew one, or both of my parents would have to identify the body, so I looked for another method of suicide which would give my body the appearance of just being asleep ... and good luck on finding that method.
Darkside of the Bridge
Another Dark Story to My Favourite Bridge
But I did attempt suicide and for all intents and purposes should have died.
It was like jumping over the rails of the bridge, once you're off the bridge the odds were you would wake up dead ... so to speak.
I still don't like talking about that attempt and I'm not going to share the fine details of that attempt, because I have family members to think about still, and to this day 33 years later I have not made another attempt at suicide, because I have always lived by the motto "one day at a time" since that day, or "you can always die another day"... and that was long before Madonna ever sung those words in a song.
Life had painted me into a dark corner that I could see was only going to get darker for me, so over those last weeks I was working out a way to kill myself without hurting my family too much in the aftermath of my death ... as if that where even possible.
I knew then that a lot of people took their own lives from jumping from this bridge and I had never heard of anyone surviving the jump from this bridge, so I knew once you jumped over the railing that your life was well and truly out of your hands, and it was going to be game over.
I probably stood looking over the railing for a good 15 minutes thinking it all over as to whether I should do it now or come back and do it the next day after taking care of loose ends like suicide notes to my family and such.
But how do you explain to loved ones without writing a novel, or two, as to why you did it, and how it's nothing personal, it's just that I don't want to play the "game of life" anymore?
And one thing I REALLY hate is when news stories talk about "mental illness" when it comes to people attempting, or taking their own life, like deciding to try and talk yourself into being happy and content with living a f#cked up life in a f#cked world is completely the SANE choice, by default.
Sure, there are people who do suffer from mental illness and try to kill themselves, but I think a lot of people who do kill themselves or attempt to kill themselves are ... or were quite sane at the time.
Maybe even a lot saner than the people who tell themselves that "it's ALL good".
If you are one of these dickheads that go around telling people that "it's ALL good", then I say that you need to get out more, because life is BAD and GOOD, it's not all one or the other, it fluctuates constantly throughout a lifetime.
Darkside of the Bridge
But I did attempt suicide and for all intents and purposes should have died.
It was like jumping over the rails of the bridge, once you're off the bridge the odds were you would wake up dead ... so to speak.
I still don't like talking about that attempt and I'm not going to share the fine details of that attempt, because I have family members to think about still, and to this day 33 years later I have not made another attempt at suicide, because I have always lived by the motto "one day at a time" since that day, or "you can always die another day"... and that was long before Madonna ever sung those words in a song.
It's taken me well over 20 years to even bring up the subject of my suicide attempt to others who didn't know about it, and who were close to me in my life and the ones who knew about my attempt firsthand, never brought it up again with me latter in my life.
They just all pretended it never happened ... to my face at least, but I'm sure all of my old friends and neighbours were whispering about the boy with "mental" problems who tried to kill himself and nearly succeeded, so we best not set his fragile mental health off in the wrong direction again.
I admire people like Donna Thistlethwaite coming out and telling her story to the news media, because it is a story people need to hear ... but mainstream society doesn't like to hear, because of all of the taboos surrounding the subject and the fear that it will give the green light to others thinking of killing themselves.
They just all pretended it never happened ... to my face at least, but I'm sure all of my old friends and neighbours were whispering about the boy with "mental" problems who tried to kill himself and nearly succeeded, so we best not set his fragile mental health off in the wrong direction again.
But here is a newsflash for you ... people who REALLY want to kill themselves are going to try and kill themselves, no matter what.
You can put all the "help" numbers you like up on the screen, and I know from my experience that people in my "mental" state at that time have no intention of calling some "expert" for help.
It's good to have these numbers for people who are crying out for help in their lives and thinking of killing themselves.
But that is a far and desperate cry from the people who are determined to kill themselves.
People like the 20-year-old me who was determined to end it all were never going to call a "help" line unless they could advise me the best way to go about doing it.
I was beyond help at the time, and the only person who could have helped me was me.
I think stories like Donna's are important to be told.
And I'll be watching it on TV tonight.
Will it help people like my pre-20-year-old suicide attempting and depressed self?
Probably not, but I don't think it can hurt, and it might help those who are toying with the idea of suicide but aren't really going to do it.
I don't condone or condemn suicide, and I know firsthand the mindset and life circumstances that would put you in that situation, and that anyone who has never been painted into one of life's dark corners like that has NO right to judge those who are.
I do condemn selfish bastards like that prick who threw his kid off the bridge to get back at his wife before he jumped himself, but I'm sure he will pay for that in one way or another, if he wasn't "mentally ill" at the time.
We all have to meet life on our own terms and we aren't all in the same boat when it comes to navigating life's currents.
And I have no idea who to thank for that ... although some would tell me God ... whatever God is.
And I for one don't believe people who commit suicide go to hell (I don't believe in hell full stop), but I have seen family's lives turn into a living hell trying to come to terms with a suicide of a loved one, so I guess if that spirit is watching over the aftermath of their death and seeing the hell their loved ones are going through, then that would be a kind of hell, I guess.
I really don't have any good advice when it comes to navigating the murky and sometimes bleak waters of life other than just keep swimming with your head up out of the water and take in your surroundings and the wonder of the life that surrounds you before death catches up with you.
It's not ALL good, but there is a lot about life that's not all bad, either.
But I'll have to let you be your own judge when it comes to your life, as no one can swim it for you, just as you can't swim mine for me.
Life is really just sink, swim, or pay the ferryman ... and you never know when, or if a shark will attack, so make the most of it while you can.
It's good to have these numbers for people who are crying out for help in their lives and thinking of killing themselves.
But that is a far and desperate cry from the people who are determined to kill themselves.
People like the 20-year-old me who was determined to end it all were never going to call a "help" line unless they could advise me the best way to go about doing it.
I was beyond help at the time, and the only person who could have helped me was me.
I think stories like Donna's are important to be told.
And I'll be watching it on TV tonight.
Will it help people like my pre-20-year-old suicide attempting and depressed self?
Probably not, but I don't think it can hurt, and it might help those who are toying with the idea of suicide but aren't really going to do it.
I don't condone or condemn suicide, and I know firsthand the mindset and life circumstances that would put you in that situation, and that anyone who has never been painted into one of life's dark corners like that has NO right to judge those who are.
I do condemn selfish bastards like that prick who threw his kid off the bridge to get back at his wife before he jumped himself, but I'm sure he will pay for that in one way or another, if he wasn't "mentally ill" at the time.
We all have to meet life on our own terms and we aren't all in the same boat when it comes to navigating life's currents.
And I have no idea who to thank for that ... although some would tell me God ... whatever God is.
And I for one don't believe people who commit suicide go to hell (I don't believe in hell full stop), but I have seen family's lives turn into a living hell trying to come to terms with a suicide of a loved one, so I guess if that spirit is watching over the aftermath of their death and seeing the hell their loved ones are going through, then that would be a kind of hell, I guess.
I really don't have any good advice when it comes to navigating the murky and sometimes bleak waters of life other than just keep swimming with your head up out of the water and take in your surroundings and the wonder of the life that surrounds you before death catches up with you.
It's not ALL good, but there is a lot about life that's not all bad, either.
But I'll have to let you be your own judge when it comes to your life, as no one can swim it for you, just as you can't swim mine for me.
Life is really just sink, swim, or pay the ferryman ... and you never know when, or if a shark will attack, so make the most of it while you can.
Beautiful and insightful post, Daz.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you that saying that people who are contemplating suicide have a "mental illness" is just the wrong thing. A bit like saying that people in pain after a car crash have a disease. Some people are in pain because they've just been through the sort of situation that would cause terrible pain to anyone, not because of any sort of illness.
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